Your 2009 Cleveland Indians

Indians' fans have been expressing their distaste for recent front office transactions by altering Larry Dolan's entry on Wikipedia.  

Why I like old people

I've decided I like the way old people live. They don't care about anything but the essentials. They're experience has ingrained in them that life is too short to worry about silly things, about what others think, and about always being "proper."

Old people have ironed out what is truly important to them. They know that they MUST pick up their grandchildren from soccer practice, that they MUST eat exactly 3.5 prunes each morning at 8:22 am, and if they need to burp, they MUST let it out. There's no reason to hold in a fart or a burp, it has got to get out. Strangers hearing and other collateral damage is par for the course. So what if they forgot the bread in the toaster and its charred? A shining sun, a rocking chair, and an iced tea are enough to make their day. A quote commonly attributed to Dr. Seuss says, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I do not think anybody lives this better than our favorite stereotypical old people.

What if all people lived like old people? Would the world turn into a bunch of New Yorkers, pushy, busy people trying to get the most of every minute? Would we all drive 5 mph below the speed limit avoiding bumps at high speeds for the sake of a shaky bladder sphincter?

a land before sidewalks. . .

So, the weather (at least in Cleveland) has been hot and dry lately. Which means that indubitably it must rain sometime soon, and it must rain hard. Inevitably the rain will come, which of course, will bring the worms. Do you know what I mean? Those long worms that cover the sidewalk during every hard rain. Where do they come from? It's dry and the sidewalk is empty. It's wet and they seemingly sprout out of the cracks from the sidewalk. Then there's always those weird little kids who think its funny to step on the end of one. Or, even better, cut it in half and pretend like you made two happy worms instead of just one ugly long one. Anyway, the question isnt "Do you know what I mean?" or even "Where do they come from?" the better question is instead, where were they before the advent of paved sidewalks?

Let's jump back in time a bit. So you're a cave man in southern France. You like to club things, including friends, but whatever. It starts to rain so you head inside the cave. Are you safe in the cave? Will thousands of earthworms invade your peaceful abode at every Spring shower? Do they hang out on top of the rocky outcrop you call a cave/home? Do the worms have little clans and hang out on rocks when it rains? There certainly isn't enough rocks in the world to hold all the worms on the sidewalks. It's a simple matter of surface area and rocks can't compete. They must have had bouncers on the rocks. Only certain worms on the list are allowed, and they make the loser worms find another rock to sit on during hard storms. Is this what happened? What happens to the loser worms? Are they like the loser people at clubs who can't get in? The worms learned all the cool slang but could never use it at appropriate times. Did worms invent rock carpet glamour before Hollywood did?

Let's jump forward in time. What the hell are these worms thinking? Why is it fun to sit in the cold rain? They're definitely not singing in the rain. They're not even playing. They're getting stepped on in the rain. That's not appealing. Do they drown if they stay in the grass? They quite literally are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Furthermore, the worms are the worst dodgers in the world. After you're like 10, stepping in worms becomes gross. Humans try to avoid stepping on the gooey strips but they inevitably slither under falling shoes. It's like they're trying to die. Do earthworms in rain feel the same feelings that lemmings do? Is this a cry for help? They're trying to get our attention, but we're too preoccupied with ourselves. They just want someone to say "NO!" Stop going on the sidewalk! But no one does tell them to stop. And so we will face the same genocide everytime it rains. Maybe rain is God's way of limiting the number of earthworms. Can there be enough earthworms in the to somehow qualify as a plague? I figure that if you pissed enough earthworms off that their wrath would be something fearful. There's a saying I know, "hell hath no fury like a worm's scorn." And if it's not a saying, it probably should be.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles teaching Americans Art History

After spending 4 months in Italy amongst throngs of tourists, I found it amazingly disheartening what the vast majority of people know of art. I am not an art history major, or claim to know a lot about it. I still find the ignorance of the American people appalling (being that those were the only tourists I could understand in Italy). The tour guides seem to feed on this and encourage it even. In the Vatican museum the tour guide kept on "pushing" the Sistine Chapel. We briefly talked about other things while ever taking the shortest route to the Sistine Chapel. Everything revolved around the Sistine Chapel and Michelangelo's genius. This is all that most people wanted to see. Americans seemed to want a fast tour hitting only what they knew about, which as I stated earlier, is not much. People know the Sistine Chapel but they only know the "Creation of Man" panel which is 1 of 7 down the middle. I also find it disturbing that there are large naked people in the borders who are nearly as large as Adam. I feel like Adam should be more important and thus more prominent. Instead naked people strewn about. And very muscular, even the women.

It seems that today's popular culture has a huge influence on what people actually know about "great art." Michelangelo was an amazing artist. This is well known. However, I think his fame is not all deserved. I think that much of his fame has nothing to do with his art. Rather, his inherent popularity is due to his crabby personality and his fun loving teenage mutant ninja turtle counterpart who is in fact a "party dude". Yes, I just said that. The public likes that Michelangelo was selfish. Didn't seem to care about others. He was moody and needed to do things his way. He didn't trust others with his pieces of marble and was picky about everything. I need to start being an arrogant asshole just so people respect my work more. That just might work hmmmmm. . . . The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have more to do with making Michelangelo famous than his art. That is what I'm saying. Everyone knows Leonardo da Vinci. Amazing artist, the epitome of a Renaissance man, right? What has he done? Do you know any works besides the Mona Lisa? I'd say the general public does not. I doubt that more than half of the population can name a Raphael painting. However, if you asked them who was prolific during the Renaissance who would they name? Yeah, I think they would name the ninja turtles. Don't get me wrong, Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael were all amazing artists. I just find it sad that people don't realize the real reason they are famous. Secondly, I'd like to just say that Michelangelo is a bit overrated. I have a personal vendetta about people/teams who are loved by everybody i.e. the Yankees and the Lakers. Something about the public loving them makes me not like them. The public knows Michelangelo so they love him. Eh, he's pretty good, but because everybody else loves him, I feel obligated to dislike him. His David has funny proportions. But its not about the proportions, its about the feeling, what he meant, what he symbolizes yada yada yada. Yeah, I've heard it all. I'm still a fan of Polykleitos, his Spear Bearer, and his 1/7 ratio or whatever he uses. He may be mathematical, but his Canon is just that. A Canon to follow because of how good it is.

Another example of pop culture coloring public perception is the Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. Again both bring to light art and artists and that the public now know about. People know Bernini now. I have to say, Bernini was an amazing guy. His works in the Villa Borghese were on point. Quite literally my favorite sculptor. I find it strange that almost nobody can name what he did besides the 4 rivers fountain in Piazza Navona in Rome (because of the novels). I find it funny because while he came up with the design, he did not actually execute any of the four rivers. He left those up to the likes of Claude Poussin and others who get no publicity for it. Pop culture and the dreaded media influence people like you wouldn't believe.